Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We were destined to go to rehab together
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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