Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
