i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drake has all the answers
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
