I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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