Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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