Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Less talking, more tequila
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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