Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
