This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
