whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
