I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
