I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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