I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
