You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize