Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
