i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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