Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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