i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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