We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize