I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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