I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
