Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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