I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
