got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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