I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
