I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize