I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
