Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
