I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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