she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
