Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
