well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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