i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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