sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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