I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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