No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
