Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
