so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
