I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
