I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
