I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
