Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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