i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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