were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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