Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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