I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
