Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
