That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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