I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
