NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize