Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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