when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize