my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
