Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
