im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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