My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
