omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
