I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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