My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The air was thick with penises
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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