I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
