woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
