she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
