just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
