I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize