Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
