after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize