I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
