She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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