you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
