it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
