Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
