Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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