Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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