i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
