you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
