shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
