i love accidental penises.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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