Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my phone needs a breathalizer
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
